A Brand New Me! January 15, 2011

I know it’s only 15 days into the New Year, but I’m already starting to feel like a brand new Brandey. After I cut my hair off it felt like a fresh start, like I was on my way to finding myself but really it wasn’t the hair, I had a huge wake up call. One day I looked in the mirror and I said to myself “This is not the person I want to be in five years”. The person I want to be in 5 years is happy and healthy and loving every minute of life and not dreading the next day. I feel like 2011 is MY year. My year to be me, my year to work towards my goals, my year to shine. haha I know this may sound corny but dangit I really do feel good. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I started taking vitamins or drinking more water or maybe it was looking at my daughter’s little faces and realizing that they need and deserve a better mommy. So look out world here comes  BRANDEYNESS!!!!

Neverland doesn’t exist. December 19, 2010

Growing up sucks!!

Not only do you sometimes gain weight, lose energy, get wrinkles but the older you get the more responsibility you have. I’ve had to grow up rather quickly, but I think for the most part I wanted to. When I was 3 years old, I was changing my baby brother’s diaper, feeding him a bottle and making my own bed. I was pretty much born to be a big kid. I’ve had “phases: of my life when I embraced the fact that I didn’t have any real responsibility but most of my friends know me as being “mature for my age”, or as my friend Andrew would say “wise beyond my years”. After giving birth to my first daughter I quickly understood that I no longer had to just worry about myself, I could no longer put myself first. It wasn’t a difficult transition because I’ve always put others first, long before I ever had kids.

As I get older each year, I realize that not everyone matures at the rate that they’re supposed to. Since I work in a bar, I see a lot of people my age who act nothing like me. They are very care free and have no disregard for anyone but themselves. They drink way too much on a regular basis and don’t care when or how they get home. Don’t get me wrong, I like drinking as much as the next 23-year-old, but I can’t get sloppy drunk every single night. I don’t need to be the last person to leave the club to know that I had a good night. I’m perfectly content with having one cocktail and good conversation with a few friends.

I guess what I want to know is, what age are you supposed to grow up if you don’t have  kids? Do you never have to act like an adult? For those people who don’t have kids, that are still out acting like single 21 year olds, when are you going to grow up?

We all can’t live on Neverland with Peter Pan and magically refuse to grow up.

I think I’m a good friend….. December 15, 2010

  I think I’m a good friend.

 The last few days of my life have been pretty blissful since I enrolled in school and qualified for a grant to have it paid for. I have a pretty hectic life to say the least. I am a mother of 2 children under the age of 2 and a step-mom to a 10 and 7 year old. On top of just the regular duties as a mother, and a wife, I also work full-time and I will be starting school full-time in January. My husband and I have been very stressed lately with all of the bills piling up and us having to make a sacrifice between getting Christmas gift or paying a bill late. In the midst of all the chaos at my house, we live with my in-laws so that we can save money to eventually buy our own home. As if that isn’t enough, my husband and I are still trying to have somewhat of a social life so we don’t go insane. It’s starting to become harder and harder to balance everything, and it isn’t going to get easier.

 I had a best friend of mine send me a text message telling me in so many words that I am being a shitty friend. I had to take a moment to breath and figure out what the hell she was talking about because I have sooo much other crap going on in my life I didn’t know I was ignoring a friend. I try to be there for everyone, and I try to do so much for everyone in spite of what’s going on in my life. So it really hurts me when someone doesn’t think I am trying enough. Now do not get me wrong, I will love this girl til the day I die, even if she is mad at me, but there is only so much I can do as a friend and I live 10,000 miles away.

 I’m not sure if this blog helped my situation or made it worse. I don’t want anyone to bash my friend, I just needed to get something off my chest. If you are a friend and you are reading this and I haven’t been being a “good” friend in your eyes, I AM SORRY!!

 

 

Don’t look now but I’ve got the blues… December 5, 2010

 

I don’t remember how old I was when I was asked the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, but I’m pretty sure the answer was not “married at the age of 23 with two children under the age of 2, no degree and not owning my own home”. Don’t let my previous statement fool you, I love my husband and I LOVE my kids, but the older I get the more I find myself trying to figure out what steps I took to get where I’m at now and how can I warn my children about this in the future.

 I’ve had tons of dreams for myself. I’ve wanted to be a singer, a model, a dancer (professional), someone famous, a photographer, a PR Specialist, and a teacher. I’m sure the list is longer but that’s all I can think of right now. I never thought that I would be a waitress, still in school at the age of 23. I can’t say that those things are no longer on my list, but I’m finding it incredibly hard to get to the next step. Right now I’m going back to school in January to get my Bachelors in Education, I still have at least 2 ½ years left before I graduate, and that’s if I take the maximum amount of classes each semester for the next 2 years. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes in the past, especially when it comes to school. It’s one of the few times when I look back and say to myself “I wish I would have listened to my mother”. I’m just going to cross my fingers and pray that my girls listen to me and don’t make the same stupid mistakes.

 

 I’ve been through so many different stages in my life even though I’m so young. My first stage was the “fit in with crowd” stage. My first year of high school I lived in a completely different state away from all of my family and friends and all I wanted to do was fit in and have people like me. As moved into my senior year I began my rebellious stage. Once I got my own car, I entered into my “free” stage, where I went and did whatever I wanted. About four years ago I broke my neck in a car accident and my life came to a sudden halt. At that point I met Jeremy and married him four years later and the rest is history.

 My new stage of life is the “how do I get out of this hole” stage. Jeremy and I have made so many mistakes separately and as a couple. We are far from perfect but we are trying. I’m just starting to think that we’re not trying hard enough. It seems like anytime we get just a little but ahead and things seem to start heading in the right direction, something major happens and pushes us all the way back to GO. Why do we keep getting the chance card that says “go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200”? We are truly good people who only want to be happy, do right by our children and make our families proud. I think that we have so much on our plate right now, it’s making it hard for us to focus.

 

 So if someone asked me today, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. I would say, I want to be happy with not only what I am but who I am. I want to do something with my life that my kids and family will be proud of. I want to graduate before my baby girl know what the word means. I want to own a home and not stress when I get a bill in the mail. I want to be able to shop without a budget. I just want a chance to be me.

 Sometimes I think that someone put the wrong puzzle pieces in my box because a few of them just aren’t fitting, not funny guys… 😉

My baby girl is crawling now!!! December 1, 2010

Dear Grandpa… November 24, 2010

This time of year is all about family and unfortunately I always think about the family that isn’t here, one family member in particular would be my grandpa. Andre “Apple” Taylor, the greatest man to ever walk this earth. My grandpa wasn’t my biological grandpa but it didn’t matter, for the longest time he was the most important man in my life. My grandpa passed away several years ago and some days it still seems unreal to me that on Christmas and Thanksgiving I won’t be going to his house and complaining about the smell of chitlins (chitterlings). My grandpa suffered from Parkinson’s Disease, he had a terrible tremor of his entire body it seemed like, he stuttered and was pretty much immobile for the last couple of years of life, but no matter how bad his condition was he could always put a smile on your face. He was my rock. My grandpa and I always shared a special bond. We would watch Wheel of Fortune together, and eat our cereal together while we watched the news, he taught me how to air up the tires on my bike and even put WD-40 on the chains. My grandpa had 7 grandchildren and 1 great-grandchild, while he was alive, but he knew how to make each of us feel special. He had nicknames for all of us and no one could ever call us by those names except for him, even to this day if someone calls me by that name, I tense up just a little.

I remember the last few days my grandpa was alive, he was in a hospital bed and the entire family was visiting and my grandmother and I got into it because I didn’t want to go into the room to see my grandpa. I knew he was going to die soon and I didn’t want to remember him with tubes in his nose, lying in a hospital bed. After a while my grandma finally forced me to go in and when I saw my grandpa’s face he immediately smiled at me and his first words were “Where ya been BC?”, and I just started crying because after all he’d been through, I still made him happy. I went over to his bedside and I hugged him, he tried to wipe away my tears but they just kept flowing. I remember telling him that he wasn’t allowed to die until I got married, I told him that it was his job to walk me down the aisle and that one day my kids would want to meet their grandpa, and he said to me that no matter what he would be there. He passed away shortly after that and I remember on both days I gave birth to my daughters and the day I got married, I knew he was there with me.

For the longest time I was very angry with life, God, my family and especially my grandpa. I couldn’t believe that he just died and left me with all these crazy people in our family. The week he passed all of my family was sitting in my grandma’s dining room arguing over what picture should go on the front of his obituary program and I remember standing up and yelling at the top of my lungs “did y’all forget that he had grandkids too who loved him just as much as y’all did, maybe we would like to pick what picture we use!”. The room got quiet and my mom quickly came over to comfort me as I cried more than I ever cried in my life and she asked me what picture  I would like to use and I quickly pointed to the most handsome picture I could find and that’s the one we used. I wish my grandpa was still here to see how much I’ve grown, and how much our family has grown. If my grandpa was still here today he would say “BC, you did good kid” and he would smile at me with his million dollar smile and hug me so tight and I couldn’t breathe and it would be the happiest moment of my life. I wrote a letter for him a while back and it said:

Dear Grandpa or Apple (whichever one you go by in heaven),

I just wanted you to know that I miss you soooo much and I’m not mad at you anymore. I hope you’re at peace and not in anymore pain where ever you are. Every time I smell Bengay, I can’t help but smile and think of you. Thank you so much for being the greatest grandpa a girl could ever ask for.  You truly do mean the world to me.

Love Always and Forever, BC

I’m so happy I said “I do” November 19, 2010

So it’s official. I’ve been married for two months now! It’s not that I thought we wouldn’t make it but it’s crazy to think that there is someone out there that can tolerate me for a long period of time and not leave. I am not the easiest person to deal with and somehow this amazing man in my life has dealt with me for  over four years. I knew after our first date we would be together for a while but I never thought a while would be forever. Jeremy is my best friend and he’s the only person in this world that really knows who I am. We have been through so much in the four years that we’ve been together. I honestly can’t see myself with anyone other than him, except for Justin Timberlake or Bradley Cooper, but other than those two Jeremy is all I need 🙂 He’s an amazing father and an amazing husband and I am the luckiest woman in the world to have a husband like him.

I really did find my missing puzzle piece.

Too many kids. November 16, 2010

You know you have too many kids when you’ve called your child by three different names all of which aren’t theirs.

You know you have too many kids when you can buy a shirt in one size and you know that eventually every kid in the house will be able to fit it at some point.

You know you have too many kids when you say “hey!” and four people turn their heads in your direction.

You know you have too many kids when you have a car seat in each stage .

You know you have too many kids when you can’t go to the store without buying something for at least one of them.

You know you have too many kids when you have to write out what you got each child for Christmas so you don’t mix up their gifts.

You know you have too many kids when someone ask how old your kids are and you sound as if  you’re reading off the winning lotto numbers.

You know you have too many kids when you’re counting down the days til the last one moves out and the youngest is only 6 months.

You know you have too many kids when you go out to eat and your total number of children are greater than the total number of adults.

You know you have too many kids when you go out to eat and the host ask “how many high chair’s will you need?”

You know you have too many kids when you’re folding laundry and you’re not sure what clothes belong to who.

I know I have too many kids but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Yes they’re a handful and yes they drive me absolutely insane but who’s going to take care of my when I’m old, crippled and crazy?

Step-Parenting November 12, 2010

I am a step-parent.

What exactly is a step-parent? What is my role in this child’s life? Am I supposed to treat them the same as my own children? How do I teach them how to respect me if I’m not their mother? Do they love me? How am I supposed to discipline them? What if they hate me? Can I do this?

These are all questions that I have asked myself. When my husband and I first started dating over 4 years ago, I knew that he had kids and I knew that he had joint custody of them. We only see them 2 and a half days a week and sometimes those days feel as if they are dragging on for a lifetime. Now don’t get me wrong, I love these girls, but sometimes they make me wish I would have made a different decision four years ago.

A week or so ago I had the “pleasure” of hearing the words “you’re not my mom!”. I have to admit, it hurt. I almost ran to my room and started crying like an infant but I had to be strong and let my 7-year-old step-daughter know that I’m not trying to be her mother, I just want her to wear her coat outside in 30 degree weather. I knew that at some point I would hear something to that effect come from their mouths but never did I think it would be over a coat. In my personal experience I have found that it is not easy being a step-parent. Hell it’s actually harder than being a biological parent. When it comes to my step-daughters, I always find that I have to be careful as to what I say and do around them. I try to show them that I love them just as much as their sisters, who I gave birth to, but the love is different. I try to be someone they can talk to and share things with, but also instill in them that I am to be respected even if I’m not their mother. I have come to the conclusion that I am not perfect. I am not a perfect parent or step-parent and the only thing I can do is try.

After being a step-parent for over four years I can finally answer my own questions.

A step-parent is an important adult in a child’s life, not a substitute parent.  My role is to be there for them as would be there for my own children. I can not treat them the same as my own children, but I can love them just as much. Respect is to be earned and not expected even from a child. In order to gain their respect, I must show them that I respect them as well. They will love me because I love them and I love their father. I will discipline them the same way I will discipline my own children because they are now my children as well. If they hate me then so be it, I will always love them no matter what. I can do this, I can do this for them, I can do this for my other children and I can do this for us.

If you are a step-parent and you are struggling to find a balance in your household. Try to put yourself in the child’s shoes and imagine that the two people you trust the most split up and now expect you to start trusting some stranger. It’s a true learning experience but if I can do it, anyone can.

Baby Laughs November 10, 2010

Here’s my little Tink.