I know it’s only 15 days into the New Year, but I’m already starting to feel like a brand new Brandey. After I cut my hair off it felt like a fresh start, like I was on my way to finding myself but really it wasn’t the hair, I had a huge wake up call. One day I looked in the mirror and I said to myself “This is not the person I want to be in five years”. The person I want to be in 5 years is happy and healthy and loving every minute of life and not dreading the next day. I feel like 2011 is MY year. My year to be me, my year to work towards my goals, my year to shine. haha I know this may sound corny but dangit I really do feel good. I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I started taking vitamins or drinking more water or maybe it was looking at my daughter’s little faces and realizing that they need and deserve a better mommy. So look out world here comes BRANDEYNESS!!!!
Neverland doesn’t exist. December 19, 2010
Not only do you sometimes gain weight, lose energy, get wrinkles but the older you get the more responsibility you have. I’ve had to grow up rather quickly, but I think for the most part I wanted to. When I was 3 years old, I was changing my baby brother’s diaper, feeding him a bottle and making my own bed. I was pretty much born to be a big kid. I’ve had “phases: of my life when I embraced the fact that I didn’t have any real responsibility but most of my friends know me as being “mature for my age”, or as my friend Andrew would say “wise beyond my years”. After giving birth to my first daughter I quickly understood that I no longer had to just worry about myself, I could no longer put myself first. It wasn’t a difficult transition because I’ve always put others first, long before I ever had kids.
As I get older each year, I realize that not everyone matures at the rate that they’re supposed to. Since I work in a bar, I see a lot of people my age who act nothing like me. They are very care free and have no disregard for anyone but themselves. They drink way too much on a regular basis and don’t care when or how they get home. Don’t get me wrong, I like drinking as much as the next 23-year-old, but I can’t get sloppy drunk every single night. I don’t need to be the last person to leave the club to know that I had a good night. I’m perfectly content with having one cocktail and good conversation with a few friends.
I guess what I want to know is, what age are you supposed to grow up if you don’t have kids? Do you never have to act like an adult? For those people who don’t have kids, that are still out acting like single 21 year olds, when are you going to grow up?
We all can’t live on Neverland with Peter Pan and magically refuse to grow up.
I think I’m a good friend….. December 15, 2010
I think I’m a good friend.
The last few days of my life have been pretty blissful since I enrolled in school and qualified for a grant to have it paid for. I have a pretty hectic life to say the least. I am a mother of 2 children under the age of 2 and a step-mom to a 10 and 7 year old. On top of just the regular duties as a mother, and a wife, I also work full-time and I will be starting school full-time in January. My husband and I have been very stressed lately with all of the bills piling up and us having to make a sacrifice between getting Christmas gift or paying a bill late. In the midst of all the chaos at my house, we live with my in-laws so that we can save money to eventually buy our own home. As if that isn’t enough, my husband and I are still trying to have somewhat of a social life so we don’t go insane. It’s starting to become harder and harder to balance everything, and it isn’t going to get easier.
I had a best friend of mine send me a text message telling me in so many words that I am being a shitty friend. I had to take a moment to breath and figure out what the hell she was talking about because I have sooo much other crap going on in my life I didn’t know I was ignoring a friend. I try to be there for everyone, and I try to do so much for everyone in spite of what’s going on in my life. So it really hurts me when someone doesn’t think I am trying enough. Now do not get me wrong, I will love this girl til the day I die, even if she is mad at me, but there is only so much I can do as a friend and I live 10,000 miles away.
I’m not sure if this blog helped my situation or made it worse. I don’t want anyone to bash my friend, I just needed to get something off my chest. If you are a friend and you are reading this and I haven’t been being a “good” friend in your eyes, I AM SORRY!!
Don’t look now but I’ve got the blues… December 5, 2010
I don’t remember how old I was when I was asked the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?”, but I’m pretty sure the answer was not “married at the age of 23 with two children under the age of 2, no degree and not owning my own home”. Don’t let my previous statement fool you, I love my husband and I LOVE my kids, but the older I get the more I find myself trying to figure out what steps I took to get where I’m at now and how can I warn my children about this in the future.
I’ve had tons of dreams for myself. I’ve wanted to be a singer, a model, a dancer (professional), someone famous, a photographer, a PR Specialist, and a teacher. I’m sure the list is longer but that’s all I can think of right now. I never thought that I would be a waitress, still in school at the age of 23. I can’t say that those things are no longer on my list, but I’m finding it incredibly hard to get to the next step. Right now I’m going back to school in January to get my Bachelors in Education, I still have at least 2 ½ years left before I graduate, and that’s if I take the maximum amount of classes each semester for the next 2 years. I’ve made so many stupid mistakes in the past, especially when it comes to school. It’s one of the few times when I look back and say to myself “I wish I would have listened to my mother”. I’m just going to cross my fingers and pray that my girls listen to me and don’t make the same stupid mistakes.
I’ve been through so many different stages in my life even though I’m so young. My first stage was the “fit in with crowd” stage. My first year of high school I lived in a completely different state away from all of my family and friends and all I wanted to do was fit in and have people like me. As moved into my senior year I began my rebellious stage. Once I got my own car, I entered into my “free” stage, where I went and did whatever I wanted. About four years ago I broke my neck in a car accident and my life came to a sudden halt. At that point I met Jeremy and married him four years later and the rest is history.
My new stage of life is the “how do I get out of this hole” stage. Jeremy and I have made so many mistakes separately and as a couple. We are far from perfect but we are trying. I’m just starting to think that we’re not trying hard enough. It seems like anytime we get just a little but ahead and things seem to start heading in the right direction, something major happens and pushes us all the way back to GO. Why do we keep getting the chance card that says “go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200”? We are truly good people who only want to be happy, do right by our children and make our families proud. I think that we have so much on our plate right now, it’s making it hard for us to focus.
So if someone asked me today, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”. I would say, I want to be happy with not only what I am but who I am. I want to do something with my life that my kids and family will be proud of. I want to graduate before my baby girl know what the word means. I want to own a home and not stress when I get a bill in the mail. I want to be able to shop without a budget. I just want a chance to be me.
Sometimes I think that someone put the wrong puzzle pieces in my box because a few of them just aren’t fitting, not funny guys… 😉
I’m so happy I said “I do” November 19, 2010
So it’s official. I’ve been married for two months now! It’s not that I thought we wouldn’t make it but it’s crazy to think that there is someone out there that can tolerate me for a long period of time and not leave. I am not the easiest person to deal with and somehow this amazing man in my life has dealt with me for over four years. I knew after our first date we would be together for a while but I never thought a while would be forever. Jeremy is my best friend and he’s the only person in this world that really knows who I am. We have been through so much in the four years that we’ve been together. I honestly can’t see myself with anyone other than him, except for Justin Timberlake or Bradley Cooper, but other than those two Jeremy is all I need 🙂 He’s an amazing father and an amazing husband and I am the luckiest woman in the world to have a husband like him.
I really did find my missing puzzle piece.